What you first need to understand about this story is that the newf is off for the summer because he’s a teacher and apparently playing with crayons is SO EXHAUSTING that they require two months of every year to recover.
Yeah – I said it. And don’t even try to yell at me, teachers, because I GUARANTEE you that it’s harder to be a teacher’s spouse than it is to be a teacher. But that, I suppose, is a post for another day.
So yesterday as I was going out the door to work – LIKE REAL PEOPLE HAVE TO DO – I mentioned that I’m expecting a mystery package that he should keep an eye out for. He agrees because if he knows that if he so much as put up a fight I’d call him out on how watching Zac Effron movies and creeping on Facebook is NOT CONSIDERED A BUSY DAY until my brain explodes and leaks out my ears.
But let’s set the scene, shall we?
Later that afternoon, the newf is happily showering when he hears a knock on the door and the subsequent machine gun of barking dachshunds (a.k.a. full out, earth-shattering chaos made worse by the fact that we’re currently taken care of Calvin’s brother too) that typically announce a visitor’s arrival. Knowing that I’m expecting a delivery, the sweet newf jumps out of the shower, wraps a towel around his waist and runs to the door.
When he opens the door – sopping wet with shampoo in his hair wearing naught but a towel – he is greeted by his adversaries, the Mormons, smiling bright in their white shirts and black ties as crisp and finely pressed as their morals.
I’ve seen a porn that started just like this.
But in a completely unsexy twist, while awkwardly holding up his towel and trying to get rid of the missionaries, he sees all three wiener dogs make an absolute, desperate, you’d-think-we-beat-them run for it out into the cul-de-sac.
As it turns out, those Mormons aren’t just pretty, jailbait faces…Oh no. Their religious equivalent of spidey-senses send them running out into the street after our terrified dogs who do not approve of strangers, especially those trying to convert their two gay dads into morally upstanding citizens.