Jeffrey's Ledge

Absent Minded

Power of 1 Challenge: Begins Today!

A new challenge is beginning today. And with this one? I have to be accountable to myself. MYSELF. It’s so much easier to be accountable for others! But now I have to answer to myself when I don’t reach the goals that I had set.

At any rate, when I had last ended my last challenge I was only 3 pounds from my goal weight. I don’t know what happened. Ok, I know what happened. Christmas cookies. Nothing major happened. I’d say that I’m about 5-6 pounds away though from my goal weight. So…2-3 pounds up in just a couple of weeks. Because I got LAZY. But at least not terribly so — someone else reminded me yesterday that the average person gains 11 pounds from Thanksgiving to the end of the year. Gross.  So yeah. I am just fine.

I HAD wanted to set my goal weight back a little bit, though. By a few more pounds. My final goal is 125. I was going to leave it at 130-135, as that was my original goal. But I’m still totally untoned…if I tone up the way I want to, I shouldn’t have any problems with reaching 125.

I’m at 135 today. I hvae 8 weeks to go. Let’s see what happens!?

My healthy challenge goals…and for 2011:

  • Drinking water and a lot of it — at least 64 oz daily. I have enjoyed a lot of soda this past week…and not much water.
  • Hit the gym no less than 4 days a week. NO LESS.
  • Run at LEAST 2 5K races this year – 1 in the spring and 1 in the fall — but I need to try for one in between.
  • Log in my food intake daily (at least week days!)
  • Do not let stress dictate what I eat — as in, don’t let a stressful day make me stop at the store for ice cream. Or chips.

Writing Openly

I just realized today that I haven’t posted in like 6 days. I remember when I used to post 3-5 days a week…How I would record all of my thoughts…. Since posting this blog for all friends and family to become AWARE of my presence online, I have realized that I have done a great deal of censoring…I’ve even found myself NOT posting half the time because my thoughts may or may not offend people or something. I miss being able to write how I want to write.

I wish what I could just write openly. About how this person or that is pissing me off. About how we’re not getting along. So I go around it and act like its all fine.

Maybe soon I’ll just let go of that censorship. Get over it. Because nothing I will say will be secret or behind someone’s back — they will already know I feel that way….

– – –
Starting NOW.

I recently moved from staying with my father during my internship to staying at home and driving driving driving 45 minutes there and back daily. I did this for a number of reasons. Namely…my anxiety has been bad and I missed my husband. Another reason is that I just felt awkward. I get along fine now with my stepmom, but my father? Sigh. We don’t NOT get along. But we don’t get along either.

We have nothing in common. He talks to me as if I’m 12. It’s like, he refuses to see me past a certain age. Oh, and he has never really told me how proud he is of me. He worked really hard when I grew up so I barely saw him or was in his own world because of depression (which is no secret in my family).

I’ve given up on hoping that he and I will develop an “awesome” relationship. We’ve never been close and we never will be. The end.

And that’s the start of being more open. Enjoy.

My current thoughts….

I’ve been absent a lot lately. And I hope you all understand (also, I am mostly on the computer for homework and more typing makes me TIRED so I’ve neglected the blog and my close online contacts). My life has been filled with craziness thanks to my internship.

And it’s had me rethinking a lot about what I want to do with my career. I think I finally figured out what it is that makes me most want to work with kids, for instance….

Not to be all depressing, but working with adults as been….well, depressing. Not that working with kids isn’t going to tough or that I won’t have depressing moments. But the aging process in general….it blows my mind. I have had the chance to not only work with hands in this rotation, but have also done a great deal of observation with adults in acute and inpatient care in the hospital.

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On south beach in leland…

This week, Dan and I headed up North for a night away. For our anniversary. We were a couple of weeks early, but our anniversary falls the same week that I start internships, so we didn’t want to deal with going away at that time.

We went wine tasting. We had an amazing amount of amazing food (more on that later!). We enjoyed driving around and enjoying the amazing scenery around.

But mostly we enjoyed each other. Enjoyed each others company. Enjoyed conversations about what life will finally be like when I’m done with my school obligations. We had a long conversation about when to start a family (I’m not going to advertise that on here, because I don’t want people to know when we start trying for a family — I have a lot of friends online and offline who have dealt with infertility….And what if I end up being on of them?? My biggest fear is people asking me if we’re still trying, are we pregnant yet?? IT’S NO ONE’S BUSINESS. I digress…).

It’s nice that we had this little bit of time to just relax and get our focus together. We have 6 months until my internships are done. And then life can begin.

I love Dan so much — this time away was a nice confirmation for me of WHY I love him the way I do. Every day life sometimes makes you get all annoyed at each other. Forget why you’re together in the first place.

Feeling crazy. a bit emotional.

And you would be feeling this way too if you have totally given up reading books for pleasure and the only things you are reading the last couple of weeks (and for a couple of weeks and months ahead) are:

  • Clinical Assessment Recommendations (written by the American Society of Hand Therapists)
  • Physical Agent Modalities: Theory and Application for the Occupational Therapist
  • Fundamentals of Hand Therapy: Clinical Reasoning and Treatment Guidelines for Common Diagnoses of the Upper Extremity
  • Introduction to Splinting: A Clinical Reasoning and Problem Solving Approach
  • Watching: Acland’s DVD Atlas of Human Anatomy, DVD 1 The Upper Extremity

The more I study for my internship at a hand clinic, the more I feel like I’m flailing. WHY IS THAT? Why do I doubt myself SO FREAKING MUCH!?!?

Off to cry and drink a ton of wine. Oh, and study some more. Maybe run later….That helps…

Someone’s at the vet today!

As much as we needed to get it done, I really hated taking Vienna in to get spayed this morning. Seriously. This morning started off BAD. I open the door to let the dogs out, so we could get into the car. This is something I do often. All the time. They run back towards the garage. It’s that simple.

However, today, Vienna must have gotten the message that we were going for a WALK instead, because she BOLTS out the door, down the driveway, and down the street. MOTHER OF GOD. I’m running, screeching at her to come back and she’s all jolly running! Ike is just sauntering after me (oh, Lord, how could I forget he was behind me…). Anyway, so I finally get her, she’s shaking like a leaf because she can tell I’m, I don’t know…PISSED OFF. We all get in the car, go for a nice drive to the vet’s.

I was already nervous seeing as how we recently changed vets. A good friend of mine recommended them to me. So we’re going from our fancy vet (that overcharges us for everything) to a nice, country vet (the place is very nice, but SOOO small compared to what we were used to) that will charge us nearly half of what we were paying.

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True confessions tuesday

I almost never write confessions for Shrinking Jeans, but why not today? Not all of the confessions involve fitness or weight loss, so I guess that’s why I’m hard-pressed to give them the shout-out….or write this entry at all. But I’m beginning to fade fast in life…..

  • I’ve slacked off majorly in my studies for my internships. I begin then in 2 months now and I’m FREAKING OUT because I’ve not studied as often as I’d like.
  • I joined the gym last Thursday and have only gone once. Mostly because my sinuses are being a bitch and I feel like crap. I don’t know WHY they are being a bitch, but it probably has to do with something I ate.
  • Speaking of things I eat….I’ve not eaten well in the past couple of weeks. Fritz passed away, so I ate lots of fast food. My throat has been hurting, so I’ve eaten a lot of ice cream. My father in law’s birthday was this past weekend and so I drank a lot of alcohol, all of which are full of a crazy amount of calories.
  • I am addicted to television. Gah.
  • I got all of my blog moved over here to this new domain and I feel like I don’t even care to keep it up. It’s exhausting.

Tennessee and back!

Most of my trip to Tennessee was rather dull, lol. Aren’t most trips with family? I didn’t get to spend as much time as I wanted at my aunt and uncle’s pool, thanks to periods of rain and storms that were heavy heavy heavy. But I ate a lot of good food, drank GALLONS of sweet tea, and of course, adopted a new doggie.

I don’t have a ton to talk about, I guess. Just know that being away, and adopting a new dog has really helped get my mind off of terrible crappy things, like Fritz. Which, I want to kind of not talk about anymore. I’m sure you understand. That and family…Sigh…Fish and family — both start to smell after a few days…

Amazing food. Amazing feel to it ALL. You eat at the counter, there are may 20 seats in the restaurant, it is BUSY! Has the best BBQ pulled pork, homemade friends, burgers, and SWEET tea EVER. Next time you happen to be in Corinth, MS? GO! I wish I had gone there for breakfast — chocolate gravy and biscuits. YUM.

Unrelated — I joined a gym today, lol….Seriously, though, I’ve lost nearly 20 pounds without one…Now I’d like to buff up a bit.

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Like the sausage…

I don’t deal with death very well — you could say I’m not very good with the grieving process and all that. I was kind of stuck in a phase over Fritz. Feeling unfathomable guilt. Feeling like we should have done something more. But we had gone over it and over it.

Many said we should have tried the surgery anyway (PEOPLE…Don’t say stuff like that when the pet has already passed away…it makes grieving that much more difficult! Believe me…I know.)…Another made me feel like crap because I hadn’t gone ahead and tried learning how to express his bowels and bladder, or had him catheterized for good. Maybe there was more we could have tried to do, but WE know best the situation we went through.

Anyway, just 2 days after we had to put Fritz to sleep, I had to leave to visit family in Tennessee. Worst drive I have ever had to make. I had planned this trip for over a month but now I just wanted to stay home and be miserable. The only thing I had been able to think about was that I could not save Fritz. I had tried to save him from the miserable life he had led and I felt like I had completely and utterly failed.

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Mini break

I had a bit of a bad week, you know? So… I’m taking a few days off from the blog, from twitter, etc. I got out of town yesterday so I could visit with family in Tennessee. Worst timing ever. This I know. But maybe a week away from my life will help me get over what happened. Dan and Ike are at home, holding down the fort.

I just…dont deal well with death. Ever. It took me nearly 10 years to truly get over the loss of my grandmother. I know that would be extreme for a dog… But I know that I will forever question our actions that day. I will always ask myself “what if?” and I will forever wonder WHY life is unfair.

Have a great week, folks. See you next week… (