I hope that I’m not judged in any way, shape, or form with this entry. I’ve been thinking about putting it down on here for quite a long time. There are a lot of people in my life having babies, both online and offline. I’m excited for them! They look cute getting all round, chubby, and glow-y. There are moments in time where I get a little tug from deep within (my ovaries?) that makes me a little jealous of what they are getting to experience. But to be honest, that is only momentary. I have gone through months at a time where I think maybe we should try to start a family…

But not as often as I think about NOT having a family.

I’ve never been the type who has dreamed of having a baby. I mean, I’ve literally had dreams about having one, but it’s nothing something I felt like I have lived for doing. I love kids, I do. I love working with them, baby-sitting them, looking at pictures of them. But I also love leaving them in the hands of their parents when I get tired of them.

I feel horrible saying that at times they really annoy the crap out of me. The whining, the crying, the frustration. Then there are times that they simply amaze me, these little tiny humans. Then there is pregnancy. I can’t deal with the possibility of nausea/morning sickness, heartburn, no sleep, stretch marks, weight gain, etc. I know! I KNOW! All these things are completely worth it once you have your kids! Parenthood is all about sacrifice! These things are little in the grand scheme of things!

I don’t have a ton to say about this. Just that we don’t think we want children. We have questioned this over and over again. Is life not worth living if you don’t pass something on by procreating?? We’ll life be lonely later?? Most important, how is this going to affect our friendships as everyone else goes about starting families??

This may change as time goes by. But I can say at the moment, confidently, that unless it is God’s plan that we have a family and he makes it happen? It is not in our future plans.

Children are expensive. We want to travel, not have to deal with diapers and tuition. We are happy with having our dogs! Being able to take them to the kennel when we want to head out of town is certainly priceless.

I hope that this doesn’t make me sound heartless, like if I could, I’d take my kids to the kennel while I went on vacation. Absolutely not! I’d love, care, and cherish my children.

I can’t tell you how many times I was woken up by a family member’s baby, and I have inwardly groan and felt pissed off. How many times plans have to be worked around a kid and their napping or feeding schedule. Gah.

I just really really really cherish my sleep right now…. With my depression and anxiety issues, I can’t put a child through my issues. I can’t have a child causing my issues either, and I don’t want to resent them or make them feel in any way resented. Lack of good sleep over time has proven to make my anxiety worse. Terrible. Hard to deal with. I don’t want to rely solely on Dan to raise our kids while I’m going through rough times and need to be left alone.

I’m sorry if I sound evil. But not everyone is meant to want or have children.

One day, if we do? I think we plan to adopt. Not because I’m not liking the sound of pregnancy…but because there are so many unwanted children in the world.

I am just done pretending when people joke with me about how it will be our turn soon!! I have actually said to people “We’re not having kids” when they say this, and they think I’m just joking. Yeah….I’m not.

That’s all for now on this subject. Just don’t be mean with your comments. I love kids. I just don’t want any of my own!