Jeffrey's Ledge

Absent Minded

A new phase…

You guys have no clue how much better I feel about my career. Yesterday was my very last day at my old job. I was sad, because there are a lot of people there that I love and care about. We mostly have worked very well together and everyone jokingly teased about how they are pretty mad at me for leaving. The manager of our inpatient program, shook my hand firmly and in short told me how he really thought I’d do well in the new location, the manager there is incredible and again, I’m going to do really well. He is one that I really wish WAS my manager, but alas he is not.

(To explain that, he USED to be the manager over the employees as well at inpatient. He is a contracted employee. I’m not sure when the chain of command got changed. But our manager is the director therapy services (inpatient and outpatient). Our manager, the one I had some trust issues with, is mostly housed at outpatient, which is frustrating in and of itself. She was never at inpatient and when the manager there at outpatient would say anything to her about problems going on at inpatient, he’d get chewed out. I digress…I really wish he was the manager. He’s a much better people person).

I got a million hugs. I didn’t get to hug everyone I wanted to, as I kind of left quiet. I didn’t really want to make a big todo about it, you know? I was leaving for weird reasons. In fact, depending on who was asking me why I was leaving, I gave different reasons. Most people understand why I was going. I didn’t even say goodbye to my mentor. Nope. She ticked me off for one last time yesterday.

At around 2:45pm, I let her know I was going to be popping into see an acute patient and then I was headed out. For one, we were mostly caught up with our patients in inpatient and it was my last day. No reason to stay until 5pm. She said ok. Well, while I was over there, she came to see me and asked me to finish up the rest of the time with her patient…who still needed 45 minutes of treatment. GAH. I pretty much said no. I was planning on getting to the walk in clinic because I had been having continuing dizziness since our weird virus last weekend (ear infection woot!). I’m not sure where she was when I was ready to leave. I didn’t really care. I almost expected her to text me later on. She didn’t.

In order to decide…

There is something else I’d like to share with you as part of the decision making process I’m going through to decide if I do or do not want to have children. This particular something seems silly really, but it’s important to me. There are a lot of parents who do a lot of research before having children. Research on the probability of passing on certain genetic diseases, for instance.

I’m not really concerned with anything deadly or dreadful. But I’m worried about passing along something that can really be an annoyance. I had a grandmother with serious issues with clinical depression, and my father does, too. Oh, and guess who else has mental issues? You’re truly. In a lot of my research for my abnormal psych courses years ago, I discovered that there is a strong link to genetics. I intend to research that further because it’s been a very long time since I took those courses and frankly, I don’t even remember if the results of the studies I read we’re even significant.

So on top of reading and studying for my new job, I’m also thinking about this in the back of my mind.

I wonder if I’m just looking for a new justification to not have kids. Although I certainly am curious about anything I end up finding.

If you know anything about this subject, send me to any resource you have found helpful. I will be forever grateful.

Favoritism

I’m trying to figure out favoritism in my mind at the moment. What it is and what makes some people more likely to show it towards others.

Fa*vor*it*ism noun The practice of giving unfair treatment to one person or group at the expense of another.

Please. Explain to me. How can a person get away with it? Let’s say it’s a boss. Who never seems to care about the concerns everyone has expressed about a certain coworker? What in the HECK is being held over their head if anything at all?

Most importantly…what can the average person do to fight it? Nothing? Just do what I did and quit because I was frustrated? But what about the people who are left behind in my wake?

I’m feeling so guilty. For leaving people behind. People that are frustrated too and have no choice but to stay. Some who will miss me more than I ever realized. I can’t believe that I’ve only been there 5 months. I feel like its been for so much longer….

It’s no surprise…

I can’t even tell you what a whirlwind I have been through the last few weeks. Let’s start at the beginning, shall we? It all started at work. Wait. Who am I kidding? This whole story is work related!

I have never hated my job. Not for one moment. But there were certainly days that made it unbearable. I am well aware that we all have unbearable days, as well as unbearable coworkers. But these were different than anything in my past.

I work with mostly awesome individuals. Hardworking, smart, the perfect team. But again, there is always one coworker that ruins things. And because I’m not one to name names, I obviously won’t. Let’s just say it was a she. A super psychotic micromanager to be exact. Don’t get me wrong. She is smart. But she’s annoying.

(I know that this is all vague but I never like getting too detailed anymore on my blog in regards to work matters. I just don’t want to end up “dooced” at any point.)

A few weeks back after feeling frustrated I had a chance to apply for a different job. I was asked to interview for said job. I got an offer from this job. And because I like my job…I said no. Then things blew up at work one week later. Something snapped in many of us. Two of us were called in to talk to our manager. Including myself…and I was finally given the opportunity to be honest. To say how I felt about certain situations. So I opened up to the manager that I felt like I could trust. I had never had any reason to not trust her.

Until it became very obvious that there was a hint of favoritism happening. I was told, essentially, that I may be the one who is wrong. That my character was in question and I had to write an apology to the coworker that really should have been writing one to me.

I went one whole week. Then I couldn’t take it one more second. The stress. The horribly sickening feeling always brewing in my stomach. I wasn’t sleeping well. And this coworker? I couldn’t stand to even look at her or listen to her backhanded jokes. After one particularly sleepless night last Wednesday…I emailed my recruiter first thing Thursday morning, expressing my regret for turning down that job so quickly.

In the end? I am taking a new road….towards a new job. And the only person who hasn’t asked why…or told me that they will miss me? That coworker. I’m not surprised….

Significance

A rather random update on my life as of late:

1. I broke up with my scale. After having a rough couple of weeks that made me feel as though I should chuck it out the window… I’ve put it away for now. I have a bad emotional connection/relationship with scales. In the past, no joke, Dan has thrown them way. He was sick of my meltdowns. After a mini one last night, I immediately put it in a closet. Yes, this means I will have to quit the Shrinkvivor challenge. And I’m ok with that.

2. Dan and I have made a new commitment to running. He will be running a marathon in May and I’m running a half the same day. Freakinh cool, right?

3. I’ve gotten into some deep discussions recently. On some subjects that people are very very passionate about. I never should have opened my mouth. Things like vaccinations. And whether or not to get them. And the sources people are getting their “research” from. As someone who is in a medical field and have been educated on the proper way to do medical research (frankly its not that hard to pick up on, I just have had it pounded into my head) I believe it is important to get your information from the right sources.

Peer reviewed journals for instance. Not just from some article that Joe Schmoe wrote. So find out the date it was written, where it was published, the statistical significance of the findings, etc. how many people were a part of that study? You must read closely because an author can also sway your opinion — watch out for biases!!

Naggy, Health Crazed Wife

Or at least I feel crazy and naggy….

Look, Dan has a family history of type 2 diabetes and at his last health check up, his doctor told him that his blood sugar placed him at risk for pre-diabetes. Dan has, over the years, also had some difficulty in the weight loss department. He was once 25 pound(or more) heavier than he is today. But he’s also been 25 pounds less than where he is today. Back just before we met, when he was active with running, skiing, biking, and eating right.

Since we met, we’ve both put on the pounds, to be perfectly honest. We go on these health kicks for about a week and fall of the wagon. But at one point, I said enough is enough, and at least for myself, I buckled in hard. HARD. I went from 160 to 135 pounds. It was not an easy battle. Especially because I was mostly alone. And as of late, I had made a few health mistakes and gained a few pounds back and I’m trying to really change things beyond belief. I’m really proud of my changes, but I’ll get to that another time.

Dan eats what I feed him for dinner, which I try to make healthy, but I can’t keep tabs on what he eats for breakfast and lunch. I guess I haven’t really wanted to — it seems to be a bit much. But he recently told me that he wants to work hard again (in fact, someone is outside jogging right now). It just doesn’t seem like he’s truly into it. He hasn’t lost any weight (in fact, may have gained), barely exercises unless I pick on him or ask him to go to the gym with me. He eats healthy at dinner still, but will eat snacks in the evening.

My last straw? We keep track of our blood sugar (me, because I have low blood sugar and Dan because of the high blood pressure situation)….and one morning, I took our fasting sugar before we ate breakfast. Mine? 68 (it shouldn’t be any lower than 70). His? 115. (shouldn’t be any higher than 99). Ok, neither of our’s was way out there in either direction, but they are still out of range. And if his were only 2 points, then whatever, but 15 is a bigger difference.

At any rate, I feel kinda sorta worthless right now. I feel like he doesn’t understand the reason I want him to eat healthy and exercise. I tell him, so that’s not what’s missing…I just feel like he dismisses it. I love him and want to keep him around as long as possible. I don’t want him to feel like I’m picking on his weight…I want him to know I’m picking on him so that I can keep him.

What more, if anything, can I say or do??

A new challenge!

Shrinking Jeans has a new challenge going that I knew I just had to do. I didn’t take the last challenge very seriously this summer. Ok, I didn’t take it seriously at ALL. I didn’t have a very interactive team, or at least, they didn’t interact a lot with me….and with a low motivation level, I needed extra motivation. Which I didn’t get. Not from them, and not from my husband. Not to mention that I was still physically getting used to work. Just in the last few weeks, I got used to that!

Starting Weight: 138.2 lbs

I’m really not happy with this number. I was down as low as 133 and was happy there. But I also go lazy tracking my food intake. And got lazy with exercise. Then I used a lot excuses — my exercise induced asthma…and the fact that I didn’t like using my inhaler. Then my arm DID flare up again, annoyingly.

So I used that as an excuse but I’ve been slowly learning ways to exercise around that (for patients I see at work)…so I knew that if I made my patients do something…that I should stop making excuses for myself. So this was the week my beating up on myself started. 🙂 Ok, not really being mean to myself. But working out when I didn’t feel like it. Or giving up pop. SO TOUGH. :p

Wish me luck.

Stay Tuned!

Life has been a bit stressful. With work. With life. My marriage. My job.

Nothing is in bad shape. Just a lot going on.

And I keep forgetting I have a blog. I want to blog…because I have a million different ideas floating around. So I know I’m not done with this (I have gone back and forth about giving this up for a long time).

I just needed a break. Like the other millions of breaks I have taken over the last year.

But gosh. I was looking over some of my own little self pics from the last few months. And I feel confident. And I feel like I finally LOOK like the confident adult that I have always desired to be. I’m not stuck in a job…in a career…that I absolutely hate. I’m healthier, for the most part, than I have been in a long time (thanks to watching what I eat, and avoiding the pesky food allergen — except for this past week, on accident, but I’m not going there just yet). I just need to get back into exercise.

At any rate, I need to get back to a lot of things and I think I’m going to be focusing on incorporating my blog into that. My health and fitness goals. I’m not really trying to lose weight (a few pounds won’t hurt, as I’m on the high end of my goal range right now, lol), but just focusing on getting sick less often and just making the sacrifice with food. Maybe always avoiding eating out unless I know 100% that my kryptonite isn’t in it.

I can’t wait to get you all involved in my life changes….Stay tuned!

If I could redo it all….

I recently was asked by a dear friend of mine, to be in her wedding. I can not WAIT. And now all I’ve been thinking about is wedding stuff. Mostly the fashion, as the rest of it, such as decorations and cake? Boring and exhausting. At least, it was for me when I did all of that stuff nearly 2 years ago (October 2 will be our second anniversary!!). And I rekindled my love for things like Pinterest and Polyvore…..

I reinvented what I should have worn for my wedding…. We had a very romantic wedding. Pale pink roses, the girls wore chocolate with rose colored sashes, lots of rose petals. Looking back now, I wish I had gone for a more poofy, romantic wedding dress. I already had the pinkish makeup and shoes (but I like these shoes better than what I went with)…. But the dress? While I loved my dress then, I actually don’t like it looking back. Is that terrible to wish I had gone a different direction with that??

Operation: Clean Up/Organize

Over the last year or so, my life has imploded — or exploded, depending on how you look at it. I finished grad school, finished my internships, took and passed my boards, earned my state license and then FINALLY started my first real job.

Then there was the purchase of my first real car and the start of a very long debt repayment system (yay for student loans and crap). In the midst of all of this…Our house has blown up completely. Any sense or organization?? ALL GONE. Clutter??? Everywhere. Losing stuff? You betcha. DAILY.

Being out all day at work makes it easy to ignore this. But after stressful days at work, the last thing I wanted to do was feel stressful once I got home. That’s all that was happening. Dan and I would be getting ridiculously, irrationally pissed off at each other because neither of us had tackled a thing once we got home from work.

After spending time at the 20SB Summit last weekend…and seeing (and listening!) to the amazing Jenny Blake (PS: You must look her up. She is a life coach and an amazing one with fantastic tips on running your life!)– I have been inspired this week to think about my goals in life.

I have many. For my health, for work, and for my marriage. I talked to Ben on the way to the 20sb session that very morning we saw Jenny, about how the biggest issue in my marriage…is chores. WHY? Because we hadn’t ever faced it and tried to come up with a way to make it important to tackle.

Dan had taken a lot of the responsibility of keeping house while I was in school and busy as heck. Now, he wants me to help and I’m saying…er… “WHY? You had it all together!! You don’t need my help!” But I have gotten so frustrated at his form of organization and the loss of my things. So dang it — time to step up, stop complain and arguing and face this head on.

I’ll admit it. I have too many clothes. I have a large dresser, a decent sized closet, and a separate drawer system for my intimates and socks. And a few laundry baskets of clean clothes that didn’t fit anywhere. I have no extra hangers.

It really boils down to the fact that I love buying clothes too much. I don’t buy expensive clothing (I love bargains — TJ Maxx, Old Navy/GAP, Ann Taylor Loft, The Limited — all have fabulous clearance racks — you just have to sort carefully), but I buy a lot of cheaper stuff. Especially camis and plain T’s. They are everywhere.

I feel a lot lighter. I really do. I really liked my method, too. I started placing things in piles, of TO GO, NOT SURE. And then I was placing things in the drawers they belonged in. Once the drawers were semi full with things I knew I wanted to keep (because I do have things in the wash right now), I had to make some decisions.

I sorted through my clothes and if there were things I still wanted, I had to go through the drawer and make a switch. It was quite the process. Now my workout clothes (pants and shirts) are all in ONE drawer. My camis/tanks? ONE drawer. My PJ’s. ONE DRAWER.

The room my closet and stuff is in? Still not perfect. Originally, it had been our bedroom (it is an entire upstairs room). But we had moved our bed to one of the smaller bedrooms so I can turn the upstairs into my lair, with my office and a guest room.

The room is pretty large, obviously! The other small room downstairs that is now my office will become a dining room. There is a lot of work left to do to make any of this possible, but just emptying my clothing piles out FEELS AMAZING.

I can’t wait until the next step. This week? Pack up my office for the soon move to the upstairs!